Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Today: Singleversary™
I'm taking a stand. Here. Now. This second. I'm sick of everyone being able to celebrate how goddamn long they've been in a relationship. Woopdi-shit. I want my own! Someone needs to give me presents for being single. You have your one-month anniversaries, your 5 year anniversaries, your golden and silver and whateverthehell else kind of metal symbolic anniversaries and everyone showers you with gifts, I'm just fucking sick of it. This outburst is in light of a wedding invitation I received in the mail yesterday. I was thinking to myself: no one gives me presents for being single. No one throws rice or blows bubbles at me because I DON'T have a long-term boyfriend. Who says that I'm supposed to even want that! I mean, I DO, but , every year that I don't have a boyfriend on valentine's day I'm made by the media to think that I'm some kind of deformed leper-franken-quasimoto-zombie and it's ridiculous.
I propose (yes, propose) that we single people start having Singleversaries. The Singleversary is the day when you can be proud that you've lived this much of your life without being codependent, abused, thwarted, held-back or emotionally sabotaged by a relationship. Now, I know not every relationship is codependent or holds its parts back, and I know plenty of VERY happy married and long-term dating couples, but I'm advocating that there are as many HAPPY UN-married UN-paired UN-dating people in the world and that we should have our own kind of celebration? Why make us feel like we're second-class because we're not in a relationship?
My first Singleversary will be on July 20th. I believe that's the day that I broke up with my last real boyfriend. That was 4 years ago. I'm going to be showering myself with gifts and all sorts of other things, and I urge you to do the same. I'm going to be registering gifts for my Singleversary at Borders, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Macy's and Barney's. This should ensure that those of you with varying tastes and tax-brackets can give me the most lavish gift you can afford on what will be my 4th consecutive year of singledom. How many of you can boast THOSE kinds of numbers? This is something to celebrate. I've gotten to know me more in these 4 years than I EVER could have if I'd been in a relationship and I defy anyone to prove that that's not the case.
There's nothing WRONG with us for being single. Some people like being single. I actually enjoy being single a lot of the time. And yes, this whole notion of a Singleversary is absurd, but so is a birthday party so is a bridal shower so is the prom and Oscar™ parties and every other social gathering when you take a close look at it. I think that we need to really take a look at how we as a society treat single people. Un-wed mothers are looked down on so much and without any reason at all--they're even blamed for slumps in the economy (though they represent less than one percent of what's used in the welfare system). Single candidates for public office are told that that's a draw-back. The only time single people are ever marketed to is to help them become less single: i.e. to make them more attractive so they can find a mate quicker. And, the biggest fuck-you: married people get tax-breaks, and for why?!
They often live together and share expenses, why should they get ANOTHER break just because they've entered into a government sanctioned legal contract? Why shouldn't I get a tax break for being self-sufficient and for taking care of my goddamn self? I can see giving people tax breaks for having kids--they're expensive and generate no income, unless you make them child models. My point, and one that I've stolen from Evan is that a single person shouldn't be given a tax penalty just because he's NOT in a relationship.
This just furthers my point that we need to start celebrating our singleness--and I don't mean by getting shit-faced and hooking up. I mean by saying 'you're goddamn right I'm single and I'm proud of who I am.' I'm going to have a Singleversary party soon and you're invited. I'll give you a free beer if you bring me a guy I can date.
You'll note, also that Singleversary™ has been trade-marked. This is because when Hallmark™ comes and steals my idea so they can market cards to single people, I want to be able to make them pay for it.
I'm taking a stand. Here. Now. This second. I'm sick of everyone being able to celebrate how goddamn long they've been in a relationship. Woopdi-shit. I want my own! Someone needs to give me presents for being single. You have your one-month anniversaries, your 5 year anniversaries, your golden and silver and whateverthehell else kind of metal symbolic anniversaries and everyone showers you with gifts, I'm just fucking sick of it. This outburst is in light of a wedding invitation I received in the mail yesterday. I was thinking to myself: no one gives me presents for being single. No one throws rice or blows bubbles at me because I DON'T have a long-term boyfriend. Who says that I'm supposed to even want that! I mean, I DO, but , every year that I don't have a boyfriend on valentine's day I'm made by the media to think that I'm some kind of deformed leper-franken-quasimoto-zombie and it's ridiculous.
I propose (yes, propose) that we single people start having Singleversaries. The Singleversary is the day when you can be proud that you've lived this much of your life without being codependent, abused, thwarted, held-back or emotionally sabotaged by a relationship. Now, I know not every relationship is codependent or holds its parts back, and I know plenty of VERY happy married and long-term dating couples, but I'm advocating that there are as many HAPPY UN-married UN-paired UN-dating people in the world and that we should have our own kind of celebration? Why make us feel like we're second-class because we're not in a relationship?
My first Singleversary will be on July 20th. I believe that's the day that I broke up with my last real boyfriend. That was 4 years ago. I'm going to be showering myself with gifts and all sorts of other things, and I urge you to do the same. I'm going to be registering gifts for my Singleversary at Borders, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Macy's and Barney's. This should ensure that those of you with varying tastes and tax-brackets can give me the most lavish gift you can afford on what will be my 4th consecutive year of singledom. How many of you can boast THOSE kinds of numbers? This is something to celebrate. I've gotten to know me more in these 4 years than I EVER could have if I'd been in a relationship and I defy anyone to prove that that's not the case.
There's nothing WRONG with us for being single. Some people like being single. I actually enjoy being single a lot of the time. And yes, this whole notion of a Singleversary is absurd, but so is a birthday party so is a bridal shower so is the prom and Oscar™ parties and every other social gathering when you take a close look at it. I think that we need to really take a look at how we as a society treat single people. Un-wed mothers are looked down on so much and without any reason at all--they're even blamed for slumps in the economy (though they represent less than one percent of what's used in the welfare system). Single candidates for public office are told that that's a draw-back. The only time single people are ever marketed to is to help them become less single: i.e. to make them more attractive so they can find a mate quicker. And, the biggest fuck-you: married people get tax-breaks, and for why?!
They often live together and share expenses, why should they get ANOTHER break just because they've entered into a government sanctioned legal contract? Why shouldn't I get a tax break for being self-sufficient and for taking care of my goddamn self? I can see giving people tax breaks for having kids--they're expensive and generate no income, unless you make them child models. My point, and one that I've stolen from Evan is that a single person shouldn't be given a tax penalty just because he's NOT in a relationship.
This just furthers my point that we need to start celebrating our singleness--and I don't mean by getting shit-faced and hooking up. I mean by saying 'you're goddamn right I'm single and I'm proud of who I am.' I'm going to have a Singleversary party soon and you're invited. I'll give you a free beer if you bring me a guy I can date.
You'll note, also that Singleversary™ has been trade-marked. This is because when Hallmark™ comes and steals my idea so they can market cards to single people, I want to be able to make them pay for it.
Comments:
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I think that though you have a valid point, mine still stands: I'm being picked on by people with 'less' freedoms for having 'more' freedoms...which turn into less gains.
YOU're the douche.
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YOU're the douche.
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