Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Today: What is home?
I guess listening to sad music isn't always the best way to warm yourself when you're feeling cold and lonely, but I can't stop listening to matt pond PA and wanting to cry. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, I was in good spirits most of the day. I guess maybe I'm just feeling the distance between myself and my life more acutely than I have been. There is a lot of time to waste and I don't want to waste it. All the same, I don't really want to 'do' anything either. I'm not sure I know what I want, but I know that I don't want to feel the way I'm feeling when I wake up tomorrow.
I caught a glimpse of my Passport when I got home from my show tonight and realized, perhaps for the first time, that I'm leaving. I'm leaving for a long time. I'm going away for a long time and will be far away from everything I've ever been close to. I suppose I won't be in any one place long enough to feel that, but who knows. Why speculate how I'm going to feel and get frustrated about it. "Sorrow gets too heavy; and joy, it seems to hold you, the fear that it eventually departs"
I've switched from Matt Pond...to Bright Eyes... Strange how I go from bad to worse.
I'll just listen to the CD I made for Evan and miss him. And Jeff. And everyone--everything. I'm just...Missing things. A hand to hold, someone to talk to until i fall asleep. I'm just missing. I feel like a piece of myself is missing.
Have I gone away from me? I don't even think I need a city, per se; the very thought of the city right now seems foreign, unnatural to the person I'm living as here.
I'm slowly realizing that I am a goegraphic chameleon: when I go off to these strange (and often distant) locales, I put on 'local' attitude, 'local' occupation and 'local' status. When in New Hampshire, I swam in the river and hung out with the locals. When I was on the Jersey shore, I learned to surf and spent my days at the beach. When I was in Virginia, I acquainted myself with the locals and spent time with them. Here, i'm spending more time with locals and biking all over (this is the mountain biking capital of the country...maybe the world). In New York, I play the part of the socialite, but I don't even know if that's something I like to be. Where can I call home? I've never really had an answer, and I thought it was NYC, but if I'm 'local' wherever I go, where is my base?
"homesick...for I no longer know what 'home' is"
All of the songs I've been listening to have this kind of open, out-of-the-way longing. There is so much longing in me right now and I'm thankfully crying, and maybe getting some of this out, but there is a lot to be rid of. My cast-mate, Don says I'd do well to embrace this, that it's healthy, and he's right. It's good to know you miss something. I think this may be the first time I actually have had the time to realize how outside I feel, when away. I'm usually too busy to feel it. Those who know me, however, know that for me to cry, either something has to be seriously wrong or seriously right. I wonder which one this is.
It could all just be that it's 2am on the first real day of the rep. season and I'm uncomfortable and tired and don't know how to reconcile this feeling of post-rehearsal let-down and cultivate some kind of long-show-run preparedness. Perhaps not.
Those of you who read this, if you know me: know that I'm missing you.
I guess listening to sad music isn't always the best way to warm yourself when you're feeling cold and lonely, but I can't stop listening to matt pond PA and wanting to cry. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, I was in good spirits most of the day. I guess maybe I'm just feeling the distance between myself and my life more acutely than I have been. There is a lot of time to waste and I don't want to waste it. All the same, I don't really want to 'do' anything either. I'm not sure I know what I want, but I know that I don't want to feel the way I'm feeling when I wake up tomorrow.
I caught a glimpse of my Passport when I got home from my show tonight and realized, perhaps for the first time, that I'm leaving. I'm leaving for a long time. I'm going away for a long time and will be far away from everything I've ever been close to. I suppose I won't be in any one place long enough to feel that, but who knows. Why speculate how I'm going to feel and get frustrated about it. "Sorrow gets too heavy; and joy, it seems to hold you, the fear that it eventually departs"
I've switched from Matt Pond...to Bright Eyes... Strange how I go from bad to worse.
I'll just listen to the CD I made for Evan and miss him. And Jeff. And everyone--everything. I'm just...Missing things. A hand to hold, someone to talk to until i fall asleep. I'm just missing. I feel like a piece of myself is missing.
Have I gone away from me? I don't even think I need a city, per se; the very thought of the city right now seems foreign, unnatural to the person I'm living as here.
I'm slowly realizing that I am a goegraphic chameleon: when I go off to these strange (and often distant) locales, I put on 'local' attitude, 'local' occupation and 'local' status. When in New Hampshire, I swam in the river and hung out with the locals. When I was on the Jersey shore, I learned to surf and spent my days at the beach. When I was in Virginia, I acquainted myself with the locals and spent time with them. Here, i'm spending more time with locals and biking all over (this is the mountain biking capital of the country...maybe the world). In New York, I play the part of the socialite, but I don't even know if that's something I like to be. Where can I call home? I've never really had an answer, and I thought it was NYC, but if I'm 'local' wherever I go, where is my base?
"homesick...for I no longer know what 'home' is"
All of the songs I've been listening to have this kind of open, out-of-the-way longing. There is so much longing in me right now and I'm thankfully crying, and maybe getting some of this out, but there is a lot to be rid of. My cast-mate, Don says I'd do well to embrace this, that it's healthy, and he's right. It's good to know you miss something. I think this may be the first time I actually have had the time to realize how outside I feel, when away. I'm usually too busy to feel it. Those who know me, however, know that for me to cry, either something has to be seriously wrong or seriously right. I wonder which one this is.
It could all just be that it's 2am on the first real day of the rep. season and I'm uncomfortable and tired and don't know how to reconcile this feeling of post-rehearsal let-down and cultivate some kind of long-show-run preparedness. Perhaps not.
Those of you who read this, if you know me: know that I'm missing you.
