Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Today: Philosophy
I’ve found my new personal theme-song. Ben Fold’s Five “Philosophy.” I’d just post the lyrics, but there’s so much about it that’s kind of uncannily fitting to my situation right now. It starts with a memory, and just builds into this…life—and as I was telling Evan last night, it’s like he’s taking my thoughts and converting them into a really good song that if I could write, I’d have written this week.
http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Philosophy-lyrics-Ben-Folds/ABC1B5F36725C3F148256DE9002E39D5
It’s weird. I feel, well, full. I have a full, full life. I don’t feel lonely at all (right this second). And that’s kind of weird. I find myself wanting to slip into the old patterns, but only out of lack of anything else to think of doing. But I don’t. I just kind of, well, do work. I guess that’s my philosophy: Right this second, I’m doing okay. It’s kind of like giving up an addiction. I was addicted to being kind of bad to myself, and now I’m trying to work that out.
I’ve found my new personal theme-song. Ben Fold’s Five “Philosophy.” I’d just post the lyrics, but there’s so much about it that’s kind of uncannily fitting to my situation right now. It starts with a memory, and just builds into this…life—and as I was telling Evan last night, it’s like he’s taking my thoughts and converting them into a really good song that if I could write, I’d have written this week.
http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Philosophy-lyrics-Ben-Folds/ABC1B5F36725C3F148256DE9002E39D5
It’s weird. I feel, well, full. I have a full, full life. I don’t feel lonely at all (right this second). And that’s kind of weird. I find myself wanting to slip into the old patterns, but only out of lack of anything else to think of doing. But I don’t. I just kind of, well, do work. I guess that’s my philosophy: Right this second, I’m doing okay. It’s kind of like giving up an addiction. I was addicted to being kind of bad to myself, and now I’m trying to work that out.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Today: Late to work.
As usual, I’ve taken my sweet time to get myself get into work. Oops. They won’t fire me, though, because they’re about to institute a policy that asks servers to come in a half an hour later than we were expected. Saves money on the times that we’re just standing around. Goody.
So, people are now asking where this rage comes from. My standard response is ‘have you read a newspaper in the last 20 years?’ But seriously, I just think it’s time for more people on our side to be angry and speak the fuck up. They have an army of loudmouths; we have…no one. And we’re always trying to play it safe and take the high road. Fuck the high road. My ethical superiority won’t feed my poor neighbors. My ethical superiority won’t get me the right to marry. My ethical superiority is completely impotent if I don’t bluster and rage on my blog every once in a while. Well, even then. It’s just one blog sitting here on the web…doing nothing.
I wish I had time to join one of the various groups that try actively to combat the right-wing terror machine, but unfortunately, I’m too busy being working poor, which, I know, is what they want.
“What do you know about politics?” Another friend asked me, following up with ‘sounds like a lot of opinions’ in reaction to some of my political blogging. You wanna tell me what in politics ISN’T opinion? I do my best only to read policy. I do my best only to read news stories that tell me what’s actually being entered into law, not just who says what at which political dinner. The person suggested I attended those sorts of meetings so I could ‘learn something’ about the political system. Pardon me, but I don’t think I’d learn anything from being talked down to or buttered up by a politician. It would, of course, figure that he’s a republican, this friend who said this, wouldn’t it?
So, yeah, invite me to dinner. Let me the fuck at them. Until then, I’m going to rant on my blog loudly enough for a few people to tell their friends, hopefully long enough to get someone important to see that I’m one of the millions of angry young people that knows we’re inheriting the last generation’s quagmire--maybe the worst one yet.
PS: It’s not a full time job being this angry, but it usually takes having a full time job that doesn’t pay all the bills.
As usual, I’ve taken my sweet time to get myself get into work. Oops. They won’t fire me, though, because they’re about to institute a policy that asks servers to come in a half an hour later than we were expected. Saves money on the times that we’re just standing around. Goody.
So, people are now asking where this rage comes from. My standard response is ‘have you read a newspaper in the last 20 years?’ But seriously, I just think it’s time for more people on our side to be angry and speak the fuck up. They have an army of loudmouths; we have…no one. And we’re always trying to play it safe and take the high road. Fuck the high road. My ethical superiority won’t feed my poor neighbors. My ethical superiority won’t get me the right to marry. My ethical superiority is completely impotent if I don’t bluster and rage on my blog every once in a while. Well, even then. It’s just one blog sitting here on the web…doing nothing.
I wish I had time to join one of the various groups that try actively to combat the right-wing terror machine, but unfortunately, I’m too busy being working poor, which, I know, is what they want.
“What do you know about politics?” Another friend asked me, following up with ‘sounds like a lot of opinions’ in reaction to some of my political blogging. You wanna tell me what in politics ISN’T opinion? I do my best only to read policy. I do my best only to read news stories that tell me what’s actually being entered into law, not just who says what at which political dinner. The person suggested I attended those sorts of meetings so I could ‘learn something’ about the political system. Pardon me, but I don’t think I’d learn anything from being talked down to or buttered up by a politician. It would, of course, figure that he’s a republican, this friend who said this, wouldn’t it?
So, yeah, invite me to dinner. Let me the fuck at them. Until then, I’m going to rant on my blog loudly enough for a few people to tell their friends, hopefully long enough to get someone important to see that I’m one of the millions of angry young people that knows we’re inheriting the last generation’s quagmire--maybe the worst one yet.
PS: It’s not a full time job being this angry, but it usually takes having a full time job that doesn’t pay all the bills.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Today: Atmosphere Rainy, Outlook Sunny. Also, fuck ‘Christianity.’
It’s a dreary day in New York. Not too cold, though this kind of drenching drizzle that makes you feel like it’s against you. I’m kind of impervious, though, even without an umbrella. In the 2 months since I’ve been home, I’ve instituted some changes that are improving my life, my career and my relationships. I really kind of do feel like a superhero (See below). 2 Months—and a good portion of that was taken up by holiday nonsense.
So, where to go now?
1. New Haven, CT: I must visit Evan and fix my computer.
2. Memphis, TN: I must audition for UPTA’s and get great job offers for the summer, which I may not take—but still, I must audition to get my face and such out there.
This is in the next 2 weeks.
In other news: I’ve been reading a lot of things lately that have pissed me off about the religious right in this country. As you may have been able to guess from my recent flame-blog on the spike I received because of the Pepsi-can nonsense, I’m kind of just fed-up with the rhetoric of hate and entitlement that I hear almost daily from people who think they’re the center of the world. These people call themselves Christians.
And they’re not. (Not the center of the world, and not true Christians)
Let’s look at ‘Christianity’ as it stands today in the US. We’re talking about an astronomically huge number of people who identify as some kind of Christian, though there is very little that links them all together, yet the louder, more crazy ones are always acting like they’re speaking for everyone. Now, not to do the same thing, when I’m writing about ‘Christians,’ those are the people I’m writing about. Not my best friend who I grew up with who identifies as Catholic, or the countless people whose faith is a personal thing. I’m talking about the evolution fearing, abortion doctor murdering, crazy Santorum/Frist Christians. In this country the ‘Christians’ are always trying to act like everyone should be just like them. They pull influence with politicians who are either afraid of their constituency or fickle voting records, or (as is increasingly the case) actually one of them. It makes me feel more disenfranchised than if I wasn’t allowed to vote.
They act all up in arms about terrorism, and appalled at the restrictive governments of other countries, but as history and even the present shows, Christianity as a political institution is all about terrorism and restrictive government. Straight up. I’m through beating around the bush on this issue. They spread fear and horror, attempting to get a government and educational system not unlike the dark ages, and if that doesn’t work (and we’ve seen this time and again throughout history) they start killing people.
We see it presently in the bloody mission to convert the Muslim world into a good god-fearing democracy--well, our perverted brand of it, at least. (Just wait until that shit blows up in our face. Iran is going to call a fatwa on the US after it tries its hand at Israel, and all of this ‘we just want them to have the right to vote’ shit will be gone and they’ll just start talking shit about the religion itself, like first weeks after September 11th—mark my words) And then, on the other side of the continent, the president goes to China and talks about human rights and the only thing he really makes a sticking point is that Christians over there aren’t being let practice what they want.
Maybe you should talk about how people over there being murdered, George. Sure, Christians in China have religious restrictions, but really only on paper—it is well known, even IN mainland China that the Catholic church of the PRC is in not-so-secret meetings with the Vatican—they receive words from the pope on a regular basis. Yet, there are tens of thousands of people living in political prisons (which I have seen), and annually as many as 10,000 people killed in capital, political or secret punishment, and what does our country do? We make sure that their emerging middle class can go to church, while others suffer a 90-hour week making Timberland down coats at 20 cents an hour--let completely alone the fact that there are plenty of other religions that are literally tortured as political dissidents in what Amnesty international says ”infringe[s] on key fundamental rights protected by the ICCPR (the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights).”
I’m not against people worshiping whatever Deity-on-a-stick they want. Really! But if they are going to keep asking me to keep who I sleep with behind closed doors, they should at least be so kind as to do the same with their faith.
And keep it the fuck out of the government, too, by the way.
It’s a dreary day in New York. Not too cold, though this kind of drenching drizzle that makes you feel like it’s against you. I’m kind of impervious, though, even without an umbrella. In the 2 months since I’ve been home, I’ve instituted some changes that are improving my life, my career and my relationships. I really kind of do feel like a superhero (See below). 2 Months—and a good portion of that was taken up by holiday nonsense.
So, where to go now?
1. New Haven, CT: I must visit Evan and fix my computer.
2. Memphis, TN: I must audition for UPTA’s and get great job offers for the summer, which I may not take—but still, I must audition to get my face and such out there.
This is in the next 2 weeks.
In other news: I’ve been reading a lot of things lately that have pissed me off about the religious right in this country. As you may have been able to guess from my recent flame-blog on the spike I received because of the Pepsi-can nonsense, I’m kind of just fed-up with the rhetoric of hate and entitlement that I hear almost daily from people who think they’re the center of the world. These people call themselves Christians.
And they’re not. (Not the center of the world, and not true Christians)
Let’s look at ‘Christianity’ as it stands today in the US. We’re talking about an astronomically huge number of people who identify as some kind of Christian, though there is very little that links them all together, yet the louder, more crazy ones are always acting like they’re speaking for everyone. Now, not to do the same thing, when I’m writing about ‘Christians,’ those are the people I’m writing about. Not my best friend who I grew up with who identifies as Catholic, or the countless people whose faith is a personal thing. I’m talking about the evolution fearing, abortion doctor murdering, crazy Santorum/Frist Christians. In this country the ‘Christians’ are always trying to act like everyone should be just like them. They pull influence with politicians who are either afraid of their constituency or fickle voting records, or (as is increasingly the case) actually one of them. It makes me feel more disenfranchised than if I wasn’t allowed to vote.
They act all up in arms about terrorism, and appalled at the restrictive governments of other countries, but as history and even the present shows, Christianity as a political institution is all about terrorism and restrictive government. Straight up. I’m through beating around the bush on this issue. They spread fear and horror, attempting to get a government and educational system not unlike the dark ages, and if that doesn’t work (and we’ve seen this time and again throughout history) they start killing people.
We see it presently in the bloody mission to convert the Muslim world into a good god-fearing democracy--well, our perverted brand of it, at least. (Just wait until that shit blows up in our face. Iran is going to call a fatwa on the US after it tries its hand at Israel, and all of this ‘we just want them to have the right to vote’ shit will be gone and they’ll just start talking shit about the religion itself, like first weeks after September 11th—mark my words) And then, on the other side of the continent, the president goes to China and talks about human rights and the only thing he really makes a sticking point is that Christians over there aren’t being let practice what they want.
Maybe you should talk about how people over there being murdered, George. Sure, Christians in China have religious restrictions, but really only on paper—it is well known, even IN mainland China that the Catholic church of the PRC is in not-so-secret meetings with the Vatican—they receive words from the pope on a regular basis. Yet, there are tens of thousands of people living in political prisons (which I have seen), and annually as many as 10,000 people killed in capital, political or secret punishment, and what does our country do? We make sure that their emerging middle class can go to church, while others suffer a 90-hour week making Timberland down coats at 20 cents an hour--let completely alone the fact that there are plenty of other religions that are literally tortured as political dissidents in what Amnesty international says ”infringe[s] on key fundamental rights protected by the ICCPR (the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights).”
I’m not against people worshiping whatever Deity-on-a-stick they want. Really! But if they are going to keep asking me to keep who I sleep with behind closed doors, they should at least be so kind as to do the same with their faith.
And keep it the fuck out of the government, too, by the way.
Today: I'm the flash
Took a quiz on line. Come to find out...well, here goes.
You are The Flash
Took a quiz on line. Come to find out...well, here goes.
You are The Flash
| Fast, athletic and flirtatious. |
Today: I'm the flash
Took a quiz on line. Come to find out...well, here goes.
You are The Flash
Took a quiz on line. Come to find out...well, here goes.
You are The Flash
| Fast, athletic and flirtatious. |
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Today: Pepsi returns?
I've gotten a huge number of hits (like 20--which is, like, a single-item record for me) this past couple of days from people searching for info on the Pepsi can without 'under god' on it. None of those people bothered to post comments, but incase they get sent here again, and in case there is any worry about where exactly I stand:
Under God has no place in our pledge. Period.
We're a secular nation. Get the fuck over it. And while you're at it: stay out of my bedroom, get out of my female friends' vaginas, stop lying to yourselves and wake up to the fact that Christianity is at best an ENTIRELY PERSONAL THING and at worst a global threat--always has been, probably always will be.
Have a good day.
I've gotten a huge number of hits (like 20--which is, like, a single-item record for me) this past couple of days from people searching for info on the Pepsi can without 'under god' on it. None of those people bothered to post comments, but incase they get sent here again, and in case there is any worry about where exactly I stand:
Under God has no place in our pledge. Period.
We're a secular nation. Get the fuck over it. And while you're at it: stay out of my bedroom, get out of my female friends' vaginas, stop lying to yourselves and wake up to the fact that Christianity is at best an ENTIRELY PERSONAL THING and at worst a global threat--always has been, probably always will be.
Have a good day.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Today: The audition went well.
Post-mortem to follow, but for the audition, I had to write a personal statement. So, here it is
Last year for my birthday, my father, once an amateur nature photographer, sent me a rather large matted framed photo. When opening it, I thought it was going to be one of the great landscapes or close-up pictures he’s taken of the beautiful things he sees outside. I pulled off the wrapping and saw a picture of myself—or, someone who I’ve been. It was taken when I was 15, a candid from one of our vacations. I was wearing a leather biker jacket, silver circular framed glasses, spike-studded collar, black handkerchief tied karate-kid style on my forehead. Oh, god. I laughed and laughed, in spite of myself, and then read the card. “Keep it in perspective.”
It’s now been nearly 10 years since that picture was taken, but I think more about that time in my life now than I have in years. As people in this world, and specifically in this country at this time, we’re asked so often to examine our failures, what we’ve done wrong that’s brought us to where we are. As the past year has taught me, those things are perhaps the least important things to concern ourselves with. What I’m concerned about, and perhaps what brings me to apply to Tisch is all of what’s gone right in the past 10 years.
Keeping things in perspective isn’t always the easiest thing to do. This year it’s caused me to give up a lot of the things I once thought vital to who I am. I’ve had to reexamine the past and find out why painful situations occurred the way they did. Luckily, I’m finding more reasons to be proud of how far I’ve come than reasons to beat myself up about what I think I might have done wrong. I’m doing well today.
And, I’ll admit: it’s taken some time to get here. From punky-boy beginnings to preppy urbanite, I’ve had to make countless decisions and each of them has helped in one way or another to fashion the person I am and the life I lead. And though I’m not entirely proud of each one, who I am today reflects the vast array of things I’ve been able to do in this short decade. I’m proud to say that at this moment, I don’t regret where I’ve come from. I’ve been a mascot on parade, a man-eating plant, a 65 year-old surgeon, and on many occasions, a scared 20-something, to name a few. My career has taken me across the country, and recently around the world, but there’s always more to learn—about myself and about the planet I’m on. This world is a great school, and I believe that as much as I work towards goals, the world in its way helps me, giving me teachers and inviting me to new lessons.
Unfortunately, not every school is the same, and my last experience with the ‘academic’ world left a sad, cynical taste in my mouth—one that I’m finally ready to spit out and take another taste. I’m at a place in my life where if I continued without an MFA, without a BFA, I’d still work. I’m not worried about that. What I worry is that I’ll regret something if I don’t at least try to finish something I’ve already started: a comprehensive education in acting that gives me the tools and the contacts necessary to build a solid career—backed up by a piece of paper that says so. Now is the time for that.
So, hanging in my bedroom is an out-of-date picture of me that makes many of my friends giggle when they see it. I say it’s from my dad and they understand that it holds special significance to me. What they don’t know is how much that picture profoundly changed the way I look at myself now, not just who I was a decade ago. I look to the future not fearing the past, just acknowledging its impact on the present. Regardless of my acceptance into the Graduate program at Tisch, this next three years is going to be amazing; all I have to do is keep things in perspective.
Post-mortem to follow, but for the audition, I had to write a personal statement. So, here it is
Last year for my birthday, my father, once an amateur nature photographer, sent me a rather large matted framed photo. When opening it, I thought it was going to be one of the great landscapes or close-up pictures he’s taken of the beautiful things he sees outside. I pulled off the wrapping and saw a picture of myself—or, someone who I’ve been. It was taken when I was 15, a candid from one of our vacations. I was wearing a leather biker jacket, silver circular framed glasses, spike-studded collar, black handkerchief tied karate-kid style on my forehead. Oh, god. I laughed and laughed, in spite of myself, and then read the card. “Keep it in perspective.”
It’s now been nearly 10 years since that picture was taken, but I think more about that time in my life now than I have in years. As people in this world, and specifically in this country at this time, we’re asked so often to examine our failures, what we’ve done wrong that’s brought us to where we are. As the past year has taught me, those things are perhaps the least important things to concern ourselves with. What I’m concerned about, and perhaps what brings me to apply to Tisch is all of what’s gone right in the past 10 years.
Keeping things in perspective isn’t always the easiest thing to do. This year it’s caused me to give up a lot of the things I once thought vital to who I am. I’ve had to reexamine the past and find out why painful situations occurred the way they did. Luckily, I’m finding more reasons to be proud of how far I’ve come than reasons to beat myself up about what I think I might have done wrong. I’m doing well today.
And, I’ll admit: it’s taken some time to get here. From punky-boy beginnings to preppy urbanite, I’ve had to make countless decisions and each of them has helped in one way or another to fashion the person I am and the life I lead. And though I’m not entirely proud of each one, who I am today reflects the vast array of things I’ve been able to do in this short decade. I’m proud to say that at this moment, I don’t regret where I’ve come from. I’ve been a mascot on parade, a man-eating plant, a 65 year-old surgeon, and on many occasions, a scared 20-something, to name a few. My career has taken me across the country, and recently around the world, but there’s always more to learn—about myself and about the planet I’m on. This world is a great school, and I believe that as much as I work towards goals, the world in its way helps me, giving me teachers and inviting me to new lessons.
Unfortunately, not every school is the same, and my last experience with the ‘academic’ world left a sad, cynical taste in my mouth—one that I’m finally ready to spit out and take another taste. I’m at a place in my life where if I continued without an MFA, without a BFA, I’d still work. I’m not worried about that. What I worry is that I’ll regret something if I don’t at least try to finish something I’ve already started: a comprehensive education in acting that gives me the tools and the contacts necessary to build a solid career—backed up by a piece of paper that says so. Now is the time for that.
So, hanging in my bedroom is an out-of-date picture of me that makes many of my friends giggle when they see it. I say it’s from my dad and they understand that it holds special significance to me. What they don’t know is how much that picture profoundly changed the way I look at myself now, not just who I was a decade ago. I look to the future not fearing the past, just acknowledging its impact on the present. Regardless of my acceptance into the Graduate program at Tisch, this next three years is going to be amazing; all I have to do is keep things in perspective.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Today: Quick update part 2
When we last left our hero, he had a pretty full plate. He still does. Let's recap and expand.
1: It looks like they're going to be coming by to fix this woman's apartment at 3 today. Perhaps that means that at like 4 or 5 they'll come and try to do mine.
2: The ABC pilot audition went well. I was literally the LAST person in the room, so I think the casting people were fried and kind of done by then. Oh, well. They still have my headshot.
3: The preparations for my audition are going very well. I worked with Greg last night and he was a big help, in ways that he doesn't even know.
4: I made yummy food for him last night.
5: That is NOT all (see below)
6: I STILL like numbering things
7: I got an email yesterday about 10 minutes after my post was finished pretty much inviting me to audition for a Mountain Dew print ad. I'm going to it today--wish me nerdiness and awkwardity.
8: I called this morning and scheduled an audition for the Graduate Musical Theatre Writing Program's thesus pieces in the spring--RIGHT before work. (well, at the same time AS work, but...i'm usually late anyway)
In addition to all of that, I've had good conversations with evan, stephanie, greg and sara in the past 24 hours, which makes me feel pretty darn good about what's going on in my personal life. And a guy asked me out on a date for next week, so i'm excited. Woo HOO. Go ME!
When we last left our hero, he had a pretty full plate. He still does. Let's recap and expand.
1: It looks like they're going to be coming by to fix this woman's apartment at 3 today. Perhaps that means that at like 4 or 5 they'll come and try to do mine.
2: The ABC pilot audition went well. I was literally the LAST person in the room, so I think the casting people were fried and kind of done by then. Oh, well. They still have my headshot.
3: The preparations for my audition are going very well. I worked with Greg last night and he was a big help, in ways that he doesn't even know.
4: I made yummy food for him last night.
5: That is NOT all (see below)
6: I STILL like numbering things
7: I got an email yesterday about 10 minutes after my post was finished pretty much inviting me to audition for a Mountain Dew print ad. I'm going to it today--wish me nerdiness and awkwardity.
8: I called this morning and scheduled an audition for the Graduate Musical Theatre Writing Program's thesus pieces in the spring--RIGHT before work. (well, at the same time AS work, but...i'm usually late anyway)
In addition to all of that, I've had good conversations with evan, stephanie, greg and sara in the past 24 hours, which makes me feel pretty darn good about what's going on in my personal life. And a guy asked me out on a date for next week, so i'm excited. Woo HOO. Go ME!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Today: Quick update and excitement.
1: I finally got the people to come and at least look at the apartment. They also did some cleanup so it looks like my roof isn't rapidly decending on my living room anymore. Now it's just sort of an exposed ceiling in a patch. Gross, but managable. They did, however fix the bathroom, which looks good now. Now, it's just up to the girl upstairs to get her head out of her ass long enough to let them fix her radiator so they can actually FIX the ceiling. Who knows how long THAT'S going to take.
2: I have an audition for a new pilot on ABC. Turns out that the agent i've been working with is indeed NOT using my headshots to hold down her desk. Woo hoo. Wish me luck.
3: I'm preparing for the audition on saturday. It's going very well. Hard work, but good.
4: I made yummy food last night.
5: That's all.
6: Yes, i like numbering things.
1: I finally got the people to come and at least look at the apartment. They also did some cleanup so it looks like my roof isn't rapidly decending on my living room anymore. Now it's just sort of an exposed ceiling in a patch. Gross, but managable. They did, however fix the bathroom, which looks good now. Now, it's just up to the girl upstairs to get her head out of her ass long enough to let them fix her radiator so they can actually FIX the ceiling. Who knows how long THAT'S going to take.
2: I have an audition for a new pilot on ABC. Turns out that the agent i've been working with is indeed NOT using my headshots to hold down her desk. Woo hoo. Wish me luck.
3: I'm preparing for the audition on saturday. It's going very well. Hard work, but good.
4: I made yummy food last night.
5: That's all.
6: Yes, i like numbering things.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Today: Collapse.
So, everyone is finally gone. I realized sometime two days ago that I had not NOT had a visitor to my apartment in nearly 3 weeks—not including the extra person who is LIVING in my apartment, and has been for a few months. So, finally, that weight is off my shoulder. But, then things started to get a little hairy yesterday. I had a pretty easy plan: Get up, go to audition, do well, go to rehearsal, rehearse, do well, go home, watch latter days with Jonathan and then sleep soundly, knowing I’d accomplished a lot.
Well, life had a different plan. I woke up and found that the audition clothes I’d laid down on the couch were wet. Looking up I realized that my ceiling was leaking. I got a large glass bowl and put it there, dried my shit the best I could and then went to the audition, late, and it was full. I said ‘ok, best not to think about the what-ifs’ and headed to the rehearsal.
The rehearsal was for my audition to NYU. It’s going well, now. It was hard work, though and I’m a little burnt from the process. We decided after rehearsal to go to my house and make food and watch Latter days. Well, when I got home, the ceiling was still dripping and it looked as though the place where it was dripping had started bowing. ‘Great,’ I thought, ‘my ceiling’s going to collapse.’ We all had a hearty laugh at the prospect of the money-pit/will and grace scene that would unfold if that were the case. Oh, my prophetic soul. I’m never going to joke about shit like that again. I had finished eating and the water situation had gotten better and worse a couple of times and Jonathan were cleaning up dinner (my room mate and his boyfriend had had their daily fight and the boyfriend had left in a huff) and suddenly I looked up and saw that the only thing that was holding the patch of ceiling up was paint. I looked at Jonathan and said ‘hand me that cleaver, there.’
He backed up and I cut down the ceiling. Rather me than nature, I figured, I at least controlled it somewhat. Thank goodness I used to be a party-loving drunk. The 20 gallon basin that I used at Busch Gardens for white-trash punch was really handy. Well, I finally got to bed at about 2, after my room mate’s boyfriend came home, said ‘oh my god’ and went back into their room, resuming the fight. I’m not sure what their deal is, but he’s supposedly moving out on Monday and for all involved I can’t wait.
So. That’s where I am. I’m progressing, even if there’s a still-dripping hole in my living room.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Today: Can't think of anything.
This is just going to be a status report.
Stephanie visited me for 10 days, concluding yesterday. It was awesome to see her, and I feel like some real positive steps were made in both her relationship with herself and our relationship as siblings. I love her, and now I hope that she takes some of the things she's learned with her to college. Go, Steph--you can do it!
Evan visited me for 2 days, concluding after a viewing of Brokeback Mountain. We were strained while he was here, mostly due to the fact that we had no alone time while he was here. I'm glad we had a talk a few weeks ago about being more honest with eachother. I'm seeing some real growth and evolution happening with that relationship, and I only hope we can both continue to make these changes easy on eachother. How are you, Evan?
Jonathan is helping me get ready for my NYU audition. I'm pretty terrified, but confident that this will be a great moment for me.
Alito probably will get confirmed, though I think he is perhaps the Judicial equivalent of Karl Rover: slimy, indecent, calculating and totally full of lies.
It's 11:11 and for the past few days, I've been looking at the clock at that time and not knowing what to wish for. I guess that means I'm in a pretty good place.
Today, I'm going to go do laundry and memorize monologues. We'll see if I can't hash out some kind of a plan, too. How to organize and structure my thoughts. It's overdue.
Things to blog about:
Personality addiction
Mind over mind
Crazy Vegans
Stupid Letterman on Transgendered issues
Finish Cross-country blog (nearly done, totally overdue)
Finish Chinablog (about half done, still working on it)
Getting Into NYU (to be completed in April)
Getting a Tony (to be completed in 5 years)
Getting an Oscar (to be completed in 8 years)
Getting out of debt completely (to be published posthumously)
This is just going to be a status report.
Stephanie visited me for 10 days, concluding yesterday. It was awesome to see her, and I feel like some real positive steps were made in both her relationship with herself and our relationship as siblings. I love her, and now I hope that she takes some of the things she's learned with her to college. Go, Steph--you can do it!
Evan visited me for 2 days, concluding after a viewing of Brokeback Mountain. We were strained while he was here, mostly due to the fact that we had no alone time while he was here. I'm glad we had a talk a few weeks ago about being more honest with eachother. I'm seeing some real growth and evolution happening with that relationship, and I only hope we can both continue to make these changes easy on eachother. How are you, Evan?
Jonathan is helping me get ready for my NYU audition. I'm pretty terrified, but confident that this will be a great moment for me.
Alito probably will get confirmed, though I think he is perhaps the Judicial equivalent of Karl Rover: slimy, indecent, calculating and totally full of lies.
It's 11:11 and for the past few days, I've been looking at the clock at that time and not knowing what to wish for. I guess that means I'm in a pretty good place.
Today, I'm going to go do laundry and memorize monologues. We'll see if I can't hash out some kind of a plan, too. How to organize and structure my thoughts. It's overdue.
Things to blog about:
Personality addiction
Mind over mind
Crazy Vegans
Stupid Letterman on Transgendered issues
Finish Cross-country blog (nearly done, totally overdue)
Finish Chinablog (about half done, still working on it)
Getting Into NYU (to be completed in April)
Getting a Tony (to be completed in 5 years)
Getting an Oscar (to be completed in 8 years)
Getting out of debt completely (to be published posthumously)
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Today: The Grind.
Worked yesterday. Made…less than I’ve been making, but at least it wasn’t too hard. The work was aided by a runner and another server. Wonders never cease. After that Stephanie and I went to a coffee shop and chilled for a while, unfortunately, we didn’t have much to talk about and I was kind of stupid and sat on the internet for an hour without really communicating with her. I needed to relax, though. I had just gotten out of work. We went to Barnes and Nobles for me to look at plays, which I found one that I’m almost certain will be the one I use—provided I can play the part convincingly.
Not too long after, we went to DoJo with Jonathan and had some pretty awful food. I walked into Pennie and Erik on the street, which was pretty neat—I have to hang out with them, and soon.
Then we went to see The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was pretty cool. I didn’t mind the Christ-allegory at all, really—and as the three of us were all quick to agree, it was nice not to have to think for a couple hours. Has anyone else noticed that the kid playing Peter is (besides being the most beautiful 16 year old ever) really eerily similar to a young Prince William? Who thinks that was intentional? I’m just not sure.
I was wired last night and couldn’t get myself to fall asleep. I’m having good conversations with people about what I’m doing inside my head right now—I’m hoping that it translates to my real-life actions, too, though. I don’t want to be one of those people who puffs himself up about changes he’s making and doesn’t actually do anything to affect real change within himself. My room is still a mess. My kitchen is only almost clean, and I still can’t regularly drag myself to dance classes. But—I read a script a day (usually it’s the same script at the moment, but that’s changing all ready) and I talk about my feelings, usually to more than one person—and at the moment, I have a dependent in my house, who is doing fine and not wanting for anything, so I think I’m doing okay.
I know that those of you who’ve read my blog have grown somewhat accustomed to having me rant about things, and yesterday’s blog may have been a reminder of what my bile is capable of, but I’m sorry to say that right now, in general, I don’t have the same time to devote to the things that outrage me as much as the things that fill me with awe and wonder. I’m still angry, I’m still a tiger, but for now, I can’t dwell on that. I have to push on to the deeper, happy child I truly am.
Worked yesterday. Made…less than I’ve been making, but at least it wasn’t too hard. The work was aided by a runner and another server. Wonders never cease. After that Stephanie and I went to a coffee shop and chilled for a while, unfortunately, we didn’t have much to talk about and I was kind of stupid and sat on the internet for an hour without really communicating with her. I needed to relax, though. I had just gotten out of work. We went to Barnes and Nobles for me to look at plays, which I found one that I’m almost certain will be the one I use—provided I can play the part convincingly.
Not too long after, we went to DoJo with Jonathan and had some pretty awful food. I walked into Pennie and Erik on the street, which was pretty neat—I have to hang out with them, and soon.
Then we went to see The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was pretty cool. I didn’t mind the Christ-allegory at all, really—and as the three of us were all quick to agree, it was nice not to have to think for a couple hours. Has anyone else noticed that the kid playing Peter is (besides being the most beautiful 16 year old ever) really eerily similar to a young Prince William? Who thinks that was intentional? I’m just not sure.
I was wired last night and couldn’t get myself to fall asleep. I’m having good conversations with people about what I’m doing inside my head right now—I’m hoping that it translates to my real-life actions, too, though. I don’t want to be one of those people who puffs himself up about changes he’s making and doesn’t actually do anything to affect real change within himself. My room is still a mess. My kitchen is only almost clean, and I still can’t regularly drag myself to dance classes. But—I read a script a day (usually it’s the same script at the moment, but that’s changing all ready) and I talk about my feelings, usually to more than one person—and at the moment, I have a dependent in my house, who is doing fine and not wanting for anything, so I think I’m doing okay.
I know that those of you who’ve read my blog have grown somewhat accustomed to having me rant about things, and yesterday’s blog may have been a reminder of what my bile is capable of, but I’m sorry to say that right now, in general, I don’t have the same time to devote to the things that outrage me as much as the things that fill me with awe and wonder. I’m still angry, I’m still a tiger, but for now, I can’t dwell on that. I have to push on to the deeper, happy child I truly am.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Today: The Beauty and the Mess.
Yesterday gets mixed reviews. Stephanie and I were at odds with each other for a good part of yesterday, sadly. We’re just kind of on different rhythms. I’m going to try to fix that today and tomorrow. My rock climbing class on Monday was cancelled, which means I’ll get to spend time with her that I hadn’t planned for. That’s good. Today and tomorrow I have to work (thus the blogging).
Big stuff: I went to the interview, which went well. I’ll be auditioning for the NYU MFA program this month. Wish me a good audition. Three years. Sheesh.
I saw Munich last night with Jonathan and Stephanie and it’s haunting me. I don’t know if I could ever see it again. Stephen Spielburg made some errors in his direction, and John Williams’ score was the typical over-raught hysteria, but other than that, the performances and the script shine through—beautiful, touching, honest, and truly heartbreaking, every one.
I hope that Brokeback Mountain next week provides the kind of jolt that many reports have said it has. I could really use a sob-fest
And now, an open letter to Joe B. of Bayonne, NJ:
You said that you were falling for me on January 1st, early in the morning. I felt so great that someone so honest and beautiful wanted to be on my arm. I slept great for the first time in weeks. That afternoon, you came into my restaurant and told me that you hoped you kept making me feel not-lonely. I was alive in ways that I hadn’t thought I could be. Then, apparently, only 3 days later you had what you record on your Connexion profile was one of the best days of your life, “baby,” and you hope that that’s the first page of something great. Congratulations. I’d be happy for you and whoever if it weren’t for the fact that yesterday, before I knew you’d met someone else, you told me that the reason you wanted to turn this into friends was that I hadn’t been consistent with my emotions and actions. FUCK YOU. On that same Connexion profile you say you try to leave every situation better than when you get to it? Maybe you’re just accustomed to lying about things, but that’s just not true in my case. You said you fell for me, asked me to do the same, and when I did, you lied and told me I had messed something up, when you simply had walked off with the next bigger fish that swam by. Thanks for reminding me I could feel, but good luck fixing that karma, pal. No, I don’t want to be your friend. You’re an asshole.
(I know you’ll never read this, but you should)
Yesterday gets mixed reviews. Stephanie and I were at odds with each other for a good part of yesterday, sadly. We’re just kind of on different rhythms. I’m going to try to fix that today and tomorrow. My rock climbing class on Monday was cancelled, which means I’ll get to spend time with her that I hadn’t planned for. That’s good. Today and tomorrow I have to work (thus the blogging).
Big stuff: I went to the interview, which went well. I’ll be auditioning for the NYU MFA program this month. Wish me a good audition. Three years. Sheesh.
I saw Munich last night with Jonathan and Stephanie and it’s haunting me. I don’t know if I could ever see it again. Stephen Spielburg made some errors in his direction, and John Williams’ score was the typical over-raught hysteria, but other than that, the performances and the script shine through—beautiful, touching, honest, and truly heartbreaking, every one.
I hope that Brokeback Mountain next week provides the kind of jolt that many reports have said it has. I could really use a sob-fest
And now, an open letter to Joe B. of Bayonne, NJ:
You said that you were falling for me on January 1st, early in the morning. I felt so great that someone so honest and beautiful wanted to be on my arm. I slept great for the first time in weeks. That afternoon, you came into my restaurant and told me that you hoped you kept making me feel not-lonely. I was alive in ways that I hadn’t thought I could be. Then, apparently, only 3 days later you had what you record on your Connexion profile was one of the best days of your life, “baby,” and you hope that that’s the first page of something great. Congratulations. I’d be happy for you and whoever if it weren’t for the fact that yesterday, before I knew you’d met someone else, you told me that the reason you wanted to turn this into friends was that I hadn’t been consistent with my emotions and actions. FUCK YOU. On that same Connexion profile you say you try to leave every situation better than when you get to it? Maybe you’re just accustomed to lying about things, but that’s just not true in my case. You said you fell for me, asked me to do the same, and when I did, you lied and told me I had messed something up, when you simply had walked off with the next bigger fish that swam by. Thanks for reminding me I could feel, but good luck fixing that karma, pal. No, I don’t want to be your friend. You’re an asshole.
(I know you’ll never read this, but you should)
Friday, January 06, 2006
Today: On the way to an interview. (3 years)
I’ve decided, that at least for now, if I’ve got my computer with me, I might as well work on blogs during the daily train ride. Last night was frustrating, though the day was profitable. I received a letter from a woman I bumped on the drive back from Fredonia with an estimate to repair what we both identified as scratches on her car—an estimate that was above $1000. Ridiculous. I’ll have to be writing her. I’m sure it’s inflated.
The kitchen of my apartment was given a total work-over by yours truly last night, though it’s still not quite clean. The situation there was really dire. It’s less dire now. There are people, and they know who they are—if those people do so dare to mess with my kitchen again, they will come up against consequences so dire that I fear to intimate the precise measure of rage I’ll be focusing on vengeance at that point.
I’m meeting today with an officer from the Graduate school from NYU. I may be able to audition for the NYU Grad acting program without first having an undergraduate degree. It would be an interesting turn of events if I did that. 3 years. What would I be in three years? Let’s stop now and let us all think.
I’ve decided, that at least for now, if I’ve got my computer with me, I might as well work on blogs during the daily train ride. Last night was frustrating, though the day was profitable. I received a letter from a woman I bumped on the drive back from Fredonia with an estimate to repair what we both identified as scratches on her car—an estimate that was above $1000. Ridiculous. I’ll have to be writing her. I’m sure it’s inflated.
The kitchen of my apartment was given a total work-over by yours truly last night, though it’s still not quite clean. The situation there was really dire. It’s less dire now. There are people, and they know who they are—if those people do so dare to mess with my kitchen again, they will come up against consequences so dire that I fear to intimate the precise measure of rage I’ll be focusing on vengeance at that point.
I’m meeting today with an officer from the Graduate school from NYU. I may be able to audition for the NYU Grad acting program without first having an undergraduate degree. It would be an interesting turn of events if I did that. 3 years. What would I be in three years? Let’s stop now and let us all think.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Today: Outlook sunny…ish…
So, I’m stuck on a train at the moment; what a good time to write. I’m late for work. I’ll probably get yelled at for not communicating better that I’m on my way, but I can’t very well call when I’m on a train stuck underground that hasn’t moved for 5 minutes.
Anyway, outside of my lateness, there are many good things going on in my life. I’ve found a way to be more communicative with some people that I haven’t been all that good about talking to over the past few years, I’ve begun a new chapter of my romantic life (ie the one where I’m not so actively terrified of everything, most of all, being loved) and I’m trying really hard to be pro-active in all areas of my personal and professional life.
It’s a heavy plate. I know, because I wait tables. But, it’s all worth it. In 2005, I had some really great moments. Otherwise, it was a good year, but had a lot of depression and confusion with it. I want 2006 to not have so much depression, so I’m going to do what it takes not to have that happen. This will be the year that’s great, with moments of sadness and frustration, rather than a sad, frustrated year with moments of greatness.
Evan and I had a wonderful conversation the other night. I scared the crap out of him, and I’m sort of not sorry for that. It’s important during a work-out regimen to occasionally break the plateau and really get uncomfortable so you can continue to build muscle. I’m going to start treating my interpersonal relationships more like that. Sara and I throughout highschool always had this time during the year when we said ‘okay, now is the part of the year when we figure out why we’re friends.’ It was really kind of stupid for us to do that at that point—the answer was that we had to be friends. Now it’s a bit different, in all of our relationships. I’m not sure of all the answers as they relate to each of my friends, but I think I’m going to start asking myself ‘why am I friends with this person?’ And I’m eagerly looking forward to the answers I’ll come up with.
In other news:
Jonathan’s script is amazing. I can’t wait to read the rest. Jonathan: stop reading and finish the script!
Stephanie is visiting: we’re having a great time and helping each other out a lot.
Jimmy was here for a visit (overlapping steph’s by a couple of days) and though he got sick at the end of it, and though we didn’t have a chance to hang out much, I count it a successful visit. He knows the ‘newish’ me, now.
I met a boy. (Details to follow)
I have a job at a restaurant that I really like. And though I’ll probably get fired for being horrendously late today, up to this point, it’s been great!
I’m looking for the little places in my life where I store these pockets of anger—and trying, when I find them, to best deal with those situations. I don’t want them to guide my decisions anymore. I’m worth more—LIFE is worth more than that.
All in all, for the first time, I feel like the new year comes with a new resolve. Not a resolution, I’ve all ready given up and gotten enough, and people break those. These are decisions that I’m making now that have to do with the future in a much broader sense than ‘what are your resolutions?’ I’m looking for a more days when I say ‘yes’ to life than ‘later’ or ‘maybe’ or, worse, ‘no.’
So, I’m stuck on a train at the moment; what a good time to write. I’m late for work. I’ll probably get yelled at for not communicating better that I’m on my way, but I can’t very well call when I’m on a train stuck underground that hasn’t moved for 5 minutes.
Anyway, outside of my lateness, there are many good things going on in my life. I’ve found a way to be more communicative with some people that I haven’t been all that good about talking to over the past few years, I’ve begun a new chapter of my romantic life (ie the one where I’m not so actively terrified of everything, most of all, being loved) and I’m trying really hard to be pro-active in all areas of my personal and professional life.
It’s a heavy plate. I know, because I wait tables. But, it’s all worth it. In 2005, I had some really great moments. Otherwise, it was a good year, but had a lot of depression and confusion with it. I want 2006 to not have so much depression, so I’m going to do what it takes not to have that happen. This will be the year that’s great, with moments of sadness and frustration, rather than a sad, frustrated year with moments of greatness.
Evan and I had a wonderful conversation the other night. I scared the crap out of him, and I’m sort of not sorry for that. It’s important during a work-out regimen to occasionally break the plateau and really get uncomfortable so you can continue to build muscle. I’m going to start treating my interpersonal relationships more like that. Sara and I throughout highschool always had this time during the year when we said ‘okay, now is the part of the year when we figure out why we’re friends.’ It was really kind of stupid for us to do that at that point—the answer was that we had to be friends. Now it’s a bit different, in all of our relationships. I’m not sure of all the answers as they relate to each of my friends, but I think I’m going to start asking myself ‘why am I friends with this person?’ And I’m eagerly looking forward to the answers I’ll come up with.
In other news:
Jonathan’s script is amazing. I can’t wait to read the rest. Jonathan: stop reading and finish the script!
Stephanie is visiting: we’re having a great time and helping each other out a lot.
Jimmy was here for a visit (overlapping steph’s by a couple of days) and though he got sick at the end of it, and though we didn’t have a chance to hang out much, I count it a successful visit. He knows the ‘newish’ me, now.
I met a boy. (Details to follow)
I have a job at a restaurant that I really like. And though I’ll probably get fired for being horrendously late today, up to this point, it’s been great!
I’m looking for the little places in my life where I store these pockets of anger—and trying, when I find them, to best deal with those situations. I don’t want them to guide my decisions anymore. I’m worth more—LIFE is worth more than that.
All in all, for the first time, I feel like the new year comes with a new resolve. Not a resolution, I’ve all ready given up and gotten enough, and people break those. These are decisions that I’m making now that have to do with the future in a much broader sense than ‘what are your resolutions?’ I’m looking for a more days when I say ‘yes’ to life than ‘later’ or ‘maybe’ or, worse, ‘no.’
